( I rambled to much on something unimportant to anyone but me. So know if you've left me notes or if you care about my comments on your work and why you haven't been getting any. Just know I'm not all here right now. Eventually I'll type back. Most of the time I just have no energy for people. That makes me sound like an awful person but oh well. Thanks for all the personal stuff though guys and the few of you who've asked about whats up with me. It means so much. Hopefully that creative spark will come back soon. I just can't even finish anything I touch lately. Anyways read on if you dare and waste a few moments of your life.)


Wow. So its been a super long time. I'm still alive and kicking. Though I've totally let this account die. I've checked in on and off especially when I just need to see things to inspire me or perk me up.  Haven't been so great at updating art or responding to personal comments thats for sure though. I just honestly haven't had the energy. Every now and then again I'll pick up a pen or brush and know what I want to do and just can't keep doing it for more than a few minutes. I honestly now a days just feel pretty bad wasting the energy on anything other than something that benefits someone else. Back in March my dad passed away very suddenly and flipped my entire world upside down. Not only was he gone. But suddenly I became my moms "care giver".  She's not handling it at all. I wouldn't even say she's handling it badly. She just locks herself in her room and doesn't do anything until she gets sick over it and I have to run up and down the stairs all day bringing her drinks and snacks and then trying to talk her into forcing it down. The old her comes and goes. In both ways. The old her that was a pain in the ass and the old her that was healthy. I'm hoping with fall coming she'll be able to feel a bit better. I know I certainly am already. I walked outside in the early hours of the morning and the biggest grin broke out on my face because I could feel the cold and mist and sting in the air. Yes the cold makes my health so much worse. But it makes my mood so much better. It just makes me excited.... And then it gets past Halloween/Samhain and then I just want to disappear because the Christmas chaos in my family.
I was really hoping I'd be either moved out or back in school by now. But neither have happened. I obviously can't leave. I left for a couple of days and my mom called me early that morning because she needed to go to the hospital and she called my "siblings" and the best response she got was that they didn't care if she was sick or thought she was dying because she's selfish. She got some fluids and the dr stressed drinking and eating to her since her internal organs were starting to, god I can't remember the words she said, but basically there was swelling and they were "stressed" because they weren't getting what they needed to function. And this week we've been taking her to get Xrays and Mri's because her back is really screwed up and this time its looking like the bones. Hopefully they haven't start bleeding decaying or whatever it was that they did when I was younger. But its looking like it meaning she's in agony and I'm pulling my hair out because she really just wants my dad and theres nothing I can do about it. Theres been a few times when I was really sick or my Fm was bad enough that I wanted him to and it was a kick to the stomach that he couldn't bring me juice or take me to finish my dental appointments and then get me an overkill of chick-fi-la soup afterwards. Swear to god after they cut my gums open and mess with my mouth to that extreme the only thing I can eat for days is their soup and vicodin. But regardless the worse is when I know shes that sick and needing him to be there and theres just nothing I can do. I can't be him and me. We used to be a pretty damn good team of taking care of her when she couldn't. But now its just me and I feel like I'm drowning. I was so proud of her for awhile there because she didn't need us. She forced herself up and out and went to work and ate regardless if she was allergic to it or not and ignored the reactions. Now she just can't, and for some reason I seem to be the only one who understands why. Also unfortunate the only meds that seem to have been helping her shes allergic to. Which makes her pretty shitty of a person. One of my favorite reactions is the hallucinations. And then when I'm exhausted and shes woken me up god knows how many times, she wants to start a fight. About how I need to change. Or do something about the cats or make the house spotless. Do I need to change? Hell yes. Do I need to do something about the cats people keep dumping in my neighborhood and I keep feeding and failing miserable to find someone else to take care of? Yes. Do I need to clean? Well duh. But is waking me up at 3am in the morning after I've just turned off my light because your seeing people on the roof that isn't there, and screaming bloody murder at me, insulting me, and then telling me if it doesn't happen "today" I'm going to have a police escort out of the house going to help me. Well gee thanks mom. Shes finally eased up. Mainly because she's not talking to a few people in her life that despise me and do nothing but run their mouthes about me. That and me leaving for a few days and her realizing that she couldn't function has made her so much nicer and appreciative. Thank God. But regardless. Hopefully, something will change for the positive right now. My health problems unfortunately have everything to do with stress. So the more stressed the sicker I am. I'm really hoping that the stress will die down when shes pretty. And then hopefully I can go back to school and get my own damn life.

So didn't mean to type that much. Guess I really just needed to get it out. I'll put the general stuff up top. Anyways. Hope everyones doing awesome. Or at least better than I am.